This month marks the one year anniversary of this blog. I can’t believe it’s been a year. I remember biting my lip, trying to work up the courage to start sharing my words with someone other than myself, and how nervous I was about putting myself out there.
I know some posts on this blog are goofy, and some are nostalgic, and some expose my love of retail therapy and reality tv, but about all else, I really strive to be transparent through the words I write. I want you to know that I love sharing my life with you through this blog, my WHOLE life, be it good, bad, or ridiculous.
And that’s why I feel it’s important to share this story with you.
Lots of you know that a year ago, I was diagnosed with having a couple of large uterine fibroids. It was scary to go through the diagnosis process, and I was terrified of having surgery to remove them, but they were preventing me from getting pregnant, so it had to be done.
The surgery went well, and my doctor was a star. The day after surgery, I was told that they had also found a severe case of endometriosis when they went to remove the fibroids. Endometriosis tends to really impair a woman’s fertility – the worse it is, the harder it is to get pregnant. On a scale of 1 (being most mild) to 4 (most severe), my case was a 3. The doctor reassured me that they removed all of the endo they had found, but that it had done some damage. She told us that most couples have a 25% chance of conceiving each month – she estimated our odds were about 4%. She then told us that we’d have to use fertility drugs and procedures to ever have a child, and then she left.
I was absolutely, 100% crushed. And ANGRY. And hurt and disappointed and confused. It’s not supposed to work like that – going through surgery was supposed to fix everything. I wrestled A LOT with God during those weeks following surgery. I knew that He was in control and had a plan for all of this, and that He was seeing the big picture, even if I couldn’t, but that didn’t make it hurt any less.
For a few months after surgery, I was on treatments that would help keep the endo and fibroids at bay, and it wasn’t until March of this year that I got a clean bill of health. The doctor told me that if I wasn’t pregnant by June, we would want to start considering fertility treatments. Blech. I wasn’t quite prepared to go down that road, and was really struggling with what to do. I prayed so often for wisdom and patience, that we’d go down the path God planned for us, and not the one we maybe felt pressured into.
God’s timing is amazing. Just as I was beginning to stress out and fret about whether or not to go down the road of fertility treatments, I found out on Father’s Day, June 20, that I was pregnant. Talk about a miracle! We were so beyond excited, and sharing our news with our parents was the most wonderful feeling in the world. So when I had a miscarriage on 4th of July weekend, it was heartbreaking…but deep down, I had hope.
We now knew that I was able to get pregnant. We wouldn’t have to jump into using fertility treatments, which was a miracle. I was so sad and wanted that baby so much, but God had a plan. Looking back, I think I knew something was wrong during that pregnancy…I’d had a lot of sharp pains and discomfort that I knew deep down shouldn’t be happening.
We found out a couple of weeks after the miscarriage that our insurance company was going out of business, so if I’d been pregnant, our new insurance company wouldn’t have paid for the prenatal care or delivery. God knew that.
We found out in early August that I am pregnant again.
And this time, it feels right.
I’ve been scared to death to announce this pregnancy, because what if I do have another miscarriage? It will be the hardest thing in the world to tell everyone if something goes wrong. But my mom reminded me that yes, it will be hard, but she also reminded me that I’d have that many more people supporting me if anything bad happens.
Plus, my dad is so excited that I think everyone in the state of Indiana has heard the news, so I figured it was time to share.
So we’re happily announcing to the world that, Lord willing, our little one will be joining us in April 2011!
Despite my fears and hesitations, the one thing I feel the Lord urging my heart to do is share this news with everyone. I believe 100% that the Lord uses whatever we give Him to use. He uses good situations – like the miracle of this pregnancy – and He uses bad situations – like the heartbreak of miscarriage. It’s not up to us to control the situation and manipulate or sway the outcome so that we get what we want…it’s up to us to give Him our hurts and heartbreaks and joys and delights, and trust that He will use them in His way, for His glory.
So that’s that! I think you’re all caught up now. And I’m excited to share the upcoming months with you.