My Hope

“So I pray that God, who gives you hope, will keep you happy and full of peace as you believe in him.  May you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.”  Romans 15:13

Here are the gory details.

In August, I went to the doctor for my annual check-up.  After some routine questions and answers during my exam, my doctor voiced her concerns about a couple of health issues, based on symptoms that I’d been experiencing.  Ultrasounds, a sonohysterogram, and even an MRI were scheduled, along with a follow-up visit with a specialty doctor, and the verdicts from all were the same:  a large fibroid had made itself at home in my uterus.

Ack.  A fibroid.  Doesn’t it sound ugly, like a big, slimy alien-like something inside me?  Super.  It was large, and had enlarged my uterus to the size of a 12 week pregnancy.  So large that the specialist recommended surgery to remove it.  If I would get pregnant, he explained, there would be no room for the baby to grow. 

After having time to digest the diagnosis, I felt myself getting angry.  Women get pregnant every day, with no issue whatsoever, and here am I, having to go through a major surgery first.  And what if something happened during the surgery to prevent me from being able to get pregnant afterward?  OK, so my mind was in pity-party mode.  Every day.  Every hour.

The more I thought about my situation, the more my heart felt like it was being crushed.  And that was officially the point when I lost it.  I felt so…disappointed.  Broken.  Forgotten.  Hopeless. And as I was in the car driving home from work one day, it hit me that for the first time in my life, I truly had to lean on Jesus when all my hope was gone.  I’d had the thing that I longed for – the chance to have a baby – taken completely out of my hands, and the only thing I had to cling to was the knowledge that the Lord was there to pick up the pieces of my broken hopes and dreams. 

It took that fibroid to make me realize that when I am truly in a dark, hopeless place, God is with me, and He holds me while I thrash around, kicking and screaming.  And when I’m done, He gently picks up the pieces of my broken heart and broken hopes and puts me back together, in a way that makes me stronger in Him than I’ve ever been.  So now I am done worrying, done asking “what if” in my head, done having my pity party.  I know that whatever comes from this situation is God’s best for Jon and me, and we don’t have to be hopeless anymore. 

And that’s where I’m at today.  Yesterday surgery was scheduled:  Tuesday, October 5 in Omaha.  I don’t know what the future holds.  The doctors all say that we’ll be able to have kids with no problem.  I hope that after the surgery is behind me, we’ll be able to have a baby…but maybe we won’t.  Or maybe we’ll have a dozen.  Maybe the Lord will open doors for adoption. I don’t know.  And I’m ok with that.   I don’t have to know what lies down the road, as long as I know I don’t have to travel it alone.   

I have hope, and for now, that’s enough.

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8 thoughts on “My Hope

  1. Hey Jennifer,
    I don’t know if you realize how badly hurt your cousin Annie was in her car wreck last year, but she was given absolutely NO hope. And while the last 17 months haven’t been easy, God has done some amazing things for her and us through it all. I am sorry to hear that you have to go through surgery. But as a former surgical nurse, I can assure you that God, the Great Physician, is the one truly in control! You have such a wonderful perspective and attitude about all of this. Of course we will be praying for you and your surgical team on Tuesday. Keep looking up sweetheart. (Be careful what you wish for. I made my brags that I would take a dozen children and I had 5! Haha!) Isn’t it wonderful to rest knowing that God has a plan?!?

    Love ya,
    Aunt Cheryl & Uncle Tim

  2. Praying for you and surgery! God is faithful and my prayer is for peace for you and wisdom for all the doctors and nurses involved! Have a great weekend!

  3. my thoughts and prayers are with you both as well as Jessie and Skyler who loves you both Im sure God will see you thru this as well as friends if you need anything hollar even if its only a pepperoni pizza love you both Carla and kids

  4. I am very sorry to hear about this. Just know that you are in our prayers and we are here if you need anything.

  5. Hey Jenny, I happened upon your blog through Facebook and thought I would let you know how inspiring your words were to me in your last blog. I know it totally sucks to have to get crappy news from the doctor, we’ve had our share of scares in the past (twins 10 weeks earlier than their supposed to be, and a month in the hospital, could make someone go clinically insane!) I know what it feels like though when it seems that God rips all the control we think we have right from our hands and says “Nope, thats not how its gonna go.” Those are the best and worst moments, just like you said when you have to stop, be still, and just go, “Ok God, I get it, this is yours, I am yours, do what YOU will, and then TRUST in HIM! It seems so simple but is so tough. I want to tell you I am praying hard for you tonight my dear in ole Indiana, that God gives you a mighty strength and peace that only He can give when we need it the most. Thank you for sharing such private thoughts and emotions. It took me back to a moment not to long ago when I was needing God more and thinking of myself less. Thanks for the reminder of how great and mighty a God we serve! I am praying the surgery goes well and all works out in the baby department! Much love,
    Christy Riggenbach

  6. My dearest Jen: Words fail me, but my heart is overflowing for you. My prayers are a steady, wordless stream into the ear of our Savior for your care and your comfort. He hears the cry of my heart. Even in this time, I know that because you are His CHILD, God will do His BEST for you.

    With love and long-distance hugs,
    Erin

  7. Jen ~ What a neat blog, it brought tears to my eyes. You are such an amazing person! Thanks for sharing, it touched me deeply. I pray that you have a full speedy recovery from your surgery!

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